Gareth Southgate’s England – European view: ‘A boring game’

In the 1980s, there was a British TV show called “Do They Mean Us?” hosted by a famous newspaper journalist called Derek Jameson.

If you’re under 50 or live outside the UK, please bear with us. We’re coming to an important point now.

The gist of the show is that Jameson, an outspoken Londoner, takes viewers through a range of foreign media reports about Britain.

Sometimes these videos were wickedly clichéd or laughably inaccurate, and the butt of the joke. But sometimes they were obnoxiously astute, and the butt of the joke was us. Either way, Jameson’s catchphrase was, “Are they talking about us? We bet they are!”

Jameson would have been delighted with the press England manager Gareth Southgate has received overseas this week (see, I told you it made sense). So, without further ado, let’s follow his own lead and dig into Southgate’s comments.

Let’s start with the country that provided the setting for this event… No, this is not about what the English think about England.

The Germans were great hosts for this tournament, but they kept the receipts.

For example, near Frankfurt’s central station there are several streets where anything goes, including, how can I put it?, drug use. One British newspaper called the area “Zombieland,” which is accurate, but not very nice.

“Now I understand what the Daily Mail meant when they described Frankfurt as zombieland – a hotheaded English style of play,” German football media 11Freunde responded with amusement.

A more generous critique, but perhaps more worrying given his knowledge of English football, comes from Per Mertesacker, the former Arsenal centre-back who is now the club’s academy manager and who is working for German broadcaster ZDF during Euro 2024.

“England’s performance was very disappointing from start to finish,” he said after England drew 1-1 with Denmark. “You just didn’t see what you see a lot of players doing every week under (Arsenal manager Mikel) Arteta or (Manchester City’s Pep) Guardiola. They looked exhausted.”

Mertesacker’s former Germany teammate and co-commentator Christoph Kramer was even less impressed.

“This team is worth 1.5 billion euros,” the Borussia Monchengladbach midfielder said. “It’s always a bit disappointing when they play like that. It’s been like that for six or seven years now. I watch every England game and I don’t know what they want to do.”

“I expect my team to dominate (Denmark). With all due respect, (that play) is not something to aim for.”

With all due respect, Southgate has been England manager for eight years, so Kramer may be thinking that things have gone wrong since the 2018 World Cup qualifiers.

But Kramer wasn’t done yet.

“With all this quality you can’t play like Union Berlin!” he said, perhaps a little unfair to Union Berlin, who won their final game of the season last month and finished one place above the Bundesliga relegation zone. “I feel sorry for the players, I’m sure they’re angry because they have to play this kind of football.”

11 Freunde was particularly troubled by the instructions Southgate gave to England’s main players.

“Jude Bellingham is normally so suave and cool that I’m not sure whether he is actually playing football or whether the match is the set of a new James Bond movie,” the paper wrote in its article about the Denmark fiasco.

“But today, without ideas, without control, without being shaken or stirred. Bellingham, Jude Bellingham, with his diving permit.”

“He asked Southgate on the sidelines: ‘Do you want me to play?’ Southgate said: ‘No, Mr Bellingham, I want you out of the tournament!'”

Let’s head south and follow England’s performance.

“Bellingham Shines in a Gloomy England” was the headline in Spanish newspaper El Pais after a 1-0 win over Serbia that seems an eternity ago.

“England, arguably the most talented team in Europe, spent the rest of the night retreating in their own half, giving the ball to (goalkeeper Jordan) Pickford and trying to see if (Harry) Kane or Bellingham could keep the ball.”

(Narrator: I couldn’t.)

El Confidencial, while confusing, was more open in its assessment.

“You’ve got Kane, Saka, Bellingham, (Phil) Foden, (Trent) Alexander-Arnold, (Jarrod) Bowen, (Declan) Rice and (Cole) Palmer, and yet your attacking power is the same as Scotland’s,” it said. Ouch.

“Southgate is a talent-wasting machine.”

And that was before the state of the Denmark performance.

“England stinks of rot,” was Marca’s Shakespearean observation.

“Southgate has once again prevented England from playing to their best,” was Mundo Deportivo’s more personal criticism.

You would think that an Italian with the right to thoroughly stink all the way to glory would have a greater understanding of what Southgate is trying to do.

But that’s wrong.

During England’s opening game against Serbia, former Swindon Town manager Paolo Di Canio was extremely excited on Italian television. I know I’m not like him.

To list the complaints: I think England were taking long shots (against Serbia), the team had no one on the bench to motivate them (it’s hard to imagine who they had in mind), Southgate is a Ron Atkinson or Harry Redknapp type of manager who just gives the players a team and tells them to do well, the goal came from a deflected cross (and therefore was lucky), etc.

He reserved all of that, adding that England could win the final 3-0. As an Italian, he had seen the film before.

But as Di Canio tried to explain to viewers what was going on in England’s first game, he showed little interest in what happened afterwards. During England’s third game against Slovenia, the former Charlton Athletic forward pretended to be asleep.

The headline covering the match from Italy’s leading sports newspaper, Gazzetta dello Sport, was perhaps best described as “Where is England?”

France

Overall, comments on the lackluster show Southgate delivered have been a bit more cautious across the Channel.

This is not because they like what they see but because it is so familiar – Southgate is a staunch follower of Didier Deschamps when it comes to tournament football, so the French probably feel some responsibility.

That said, France’s sports bible, L’Equipe, began its article on the disastrous defeat against Denmark with a great opening sentence:

“Lucky Luke (a Belgian comic about an American Wild West gunslinger) has a recurring character called the Undertaker,” the article reads. “Recognizable by his grayish complexion, rectangular face and black outfit, he periodically comes by to take the protagonist’s measurements when he believes he is near death.”

“You almost expected to see him emerge from the depths of the stadium at the post-match press conference yesterday, rolling out a tape measure to Gareth Southgate.”

Slovenia

As someone who was at the event, the funeral metaphor was apt.

But not everyone was sad. Whether or not this was the consensus in Slovenia, a video was widely shared on social media of Slovenian fans singing at a tram station after Tuesday’s match in Cologne.

“Southgate, Southgate, Southgate, thanks for the points, thanks for the points, thanks for the points.”

Netherlands

For much of Wednesday it looked as though England’s reward for their efforts in the group stage would be a last-16 tie with the Netherlands, a match that would have been entertaining given the Dutch have spoken volumes about Southgate’s grief.

Dutch newspaper Het Parool believes England’s status as Euro 2024 favourites is in jeopardy after the draw with Denmark.

“Football is predictable, often incoherent and never convincing,” the Paper writes, although the predictable/incoherent part might be a contradiction in terms… unless, of course, you think England is predictably incoherent.

Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag, an expert in calculated disruption, quickly saw what was going on against Serbia.

“It was the manager’s vision,” said ten Hag, commentating for Dutch broadcaster NOS. “England were 1-0 up and (Southgate) decided to gamble with his team, keep it compact and rely on his chances for the rest of the game.”

England fans will probably be having a “moment” right now.

“Watching England doesn’t make me happy,” said Marco van Basten in his typical Dutch manner. “No one does anything amazing, so it’s a boring game.”

There were some surprisingly bad plays, but I understand your point, Marco.

Serbia

England were bad, but they beat his team, so perhaps we should warn them with a little bitterness next time, but Serbia captain Dusan Tadic was a disappointment.

“I have a lot of respect for England and I don’t want to be disrespectful, but they are the most disappointing team in our group,” said the former Southampton player, entirely justifiably, who predicted they would win the tournament just two weeks ago.

“Maybe we showed them too much respect. Denmark outplayed them. I don’t know how Slovenia played but I was sure England wouldn’t beat them. I think they had a great chance to get a point, or even three points.”

Tadic is not the only one to have criticised his fantasy football selections for Euro 2024. Manager Dragan Stojkovic was full of praise for England when the teams met in Hamburg in December, but now having seen it up close he wants to reassess his selection.

“England were supposed to be from another world,” he told reporters in Serbia after the match. “They weren’t.”

But I guess it depends on the universe, Dragan. Not all aliens are good at soccer, are they?