Broken hearts can be explained by science. Can science also help cure it?

14 months after a debilitating breakup, I realized things needed to change.

So I recently embarked on a research journey. It turns out that heartbreak is the subject of scientific research, with researchers studying the effects and mysteries surrounding loss. Heartache is no longer just the domain of poets. Perhaps, I thought, talking to these researchers would help me cope with my own heartbreak.

Experts have found that breakups, especially difficult and unexpected breakups like mine, after we’d been together for less than a month, can burrow deep into our subconscious. . We all know they hurt, but science shows they can change not only our minds, but our bodies.

“People are suffering,” says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has done extensive research on heartbreak. “And they will suffer for a while.”

More than 400 days after our breakup, I continue to stew, analyze, and grieve over it. Also, he has never gotten more than three hours of sleep in a row since the fall of 2022. This is not completely unexpected, the researchers say.

Guy Winch, author of multiple books on healing and heartache, said, “Breakup is one of the most painful experiences we go through as humans.” No wonder he called heartbreak “a form of disenfranchised grief” that some societies don’t take seriously.

His words brought a temporary sense of relief, in part because long-term heartbreak comes with feelings of shame and loneliness.

Many friends share stories of tragedies that they consider more serious than my disengagement. I started to think that I was abnormal. Fisher assured me otherwise. It’s a myth that simply “moving on” is a rite of passage that combines therapy, ice cream, binge drinking, alcohol, and time.

“We were able to prove that romantic rejection is an addictive state,” Fisher said. How addicted are you? Fisher said that heartbreak activates the same areas of the brain that are caused by heroin, for example. These areas of the brain are active even when you’re happy in a relationship, and can remain on high alert long after a breakup.

Researchers studying heartbreak have also found activity in areas of the brain that register physical pain.

Phew. After all, I’m normal. Experts say I’m at risk too.

“Physical changes in the body are real and happening,” says Florence Williams, author of Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey, an acclaimed book on the subject. To tell. “If you don’t get over a breakup, you get sick. Urgency is very important because healing doesn’t happen quickly.”

Looks like we need more than just ice cream.

there is no simple answer

“You did a terrible thing,” David A. Subara, a psychology professor at the University of Arizona, wrote to me.

Although it wasn’t an official diagnosis, it was a significant one, given that Svara has made heartache a major area of ​​research for more than 20 years. He has published several papers linking divorce to health risks, including an increased chance of early death. He wanted to know if years could have been cut short in the last 14 months of his life.

There are no simple answers. “Psychological stress” can wreak havoc on multiple parts of the body, Sbara says. However, Svara assured me that I was within the “normal range of adaptation”, or the expected time to return to normal. Particularly painful separations can take up to two years.

But Svara also pointed to research that found that constantly ruminating about a breakup can lead to long-term sleep deprivation, which can increase resting blood pressure.

addiction or similar

Not all researchers are familiar with the term addiction. They include grief researcher Mary Frances O’Connor, a neuroscientist and psychologist who recently published a book called The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of Love and Loss. Her preferred word is “longing”, comparing her desire for her beloved to hunger and thirst.

And when the person we thought we would spend the rest of our lives with suddenly leaves us, we long for that person and think of little else. At this point, Fisher gave me some tough love.

Regarding the photos of us in a hidden folder on my phone, she said, “Just throw it away.” “If you want to quit alcohol, you shouldn’t keep a bottle of vodka on your desk.” And if you can’t throw away the photo, you should stop looking at it. “All you’re doing is re-traumatizing yourself.”

Let’s use the metaphor of addiction. “One of the things we’ve done historically with addiction is try to get people off heroin and onto something else that’s less toxic, which is what they’re addicted to.” said Steve Cole, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the UCLA School of Medicine. of medicine. So what is the methadone equivalent of heartbreak, Cole wonders?

For many people, it’s about jumping back into the dating pool, or “rebounding.” However, this is dangerous. As Cole says, you’re still going through a heartbreak, and the results will vary from person to person, but trying to date can leave you feeling empty and reinforcing the idea that your ex is really the love of your life. it was done.

heal a broken heart

It may be possible to speed up the recovery of a wounded heart.

Williams theorizes that it can speed up recovery from heartbreak by about 25% or 30%. It’s worth it, especially “if it helps prevent autoimmune disease.”

Williams gave me a three-pronged prescription.

What’s your first recommendation? I felt calm.

“Get your body out of that fight-or-flight state, which is the state you’re in when you’re feeling abandoned and fearful about the future. You’re hypervigilant. Whether it’s video games or yoga… Calm yourself in whatever way you can, whether it’s in the morning or taking a warm bath.”

The same goes for video games, and the same goes for music. I spend time almost every day listening to old or new records.

Second? Connection.

“Maybe it’s about connecting with nature, and that’s what it was for me,” Williams says. “At the same time, you can connect with yourself and others you care about.”

number 3? This could be a little more abstract. Williams said you have to find a sense of purpose, especially if, like me, the relationship has become an end in itself.

“What meaning can we make of it?” Williams said. “You have a reason to get out of bed every day, and you feel like you need to contribute.”