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You may have heard of antitrust lawsuits being filed against Apple, including charges that Apple is a monopoly. He had two reactions to me.
1. Am I wrong, or is Hasbro the only one allowed to make a board game called “Monopoly”? In other words, they have a monopoly, and the Department of Justice is quick to get rid of it. You would think that you would put it in.
2. I didn’t know that iPhone was a monopoly. For me, it’s when one gouty plutocrat with a big white beard and top hat corners the pomegranate market and thereby controls the price of that particular commodity. Sure, he has to go to Apple to buy an iPhone, but that’s like saying he has to go to McDonald’s to buy a Quarter Pounder. That’s true, but it doesn’t fully define the process of getting a burger.
This is my concept of exclusivity.
“I’d like to buy a mobile phone.”
“Okay, Doctor, this is an iPhone. There’s nothing else.”
“What about Android? What about Pixel? What about Samsung? What about those buttons in the AARP catalog that have a button the size of Chiclets and one big button that says HELP and one big button that says KIDS? mosquito?”
“We bought them, destroyed their inventory, destroyed their factories, salted the ground, and disabled all existing models with targeted electromagnetic pulses.”
So, it’s not. It has to be something else. App store? Is it because iPhone apps can only be purchased from the App Store? Well, if I want bacon from Walmart, I don’t go to Target. If you want to buy apps from anywhere, you can get it on Android. That’s fine.
From what I understand, part of the lawsuit seems to have to do with the way the iPhone processes and displays messages. Especially the way the iPhone banishes green speech bubbles. The Attorney General referred to the dire plight of the lush Bablonians. Business Insider says:
“U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland explained in a Thursday press conference that when an iPhone user sent a message to a non-iPhone user, the non-iPhone user’s text appeared as a green bubble in Apple Messages. As a result, the iPhone user Perceives rival smartphones as inferior.” The experience of sending messages to friends and family who don’t own an iPhone will be poor, resulting in lower quality. ”
In case you’re thinking, “This is just a nerd thing for me,” messages on my iPhone are blue. Other messages are displayed in green. This leads to his two-tier system that socially downgrades environmentally friendly messages. If you’re in the Apple iPhone world, blue is cool. If you see green text, it’s someone using an Android or other premium device that directly reflects your value as a human being. Imagine this conversation.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“No. Yes. I received a text from Harmony.”
“Are you talking about my childhood friend Harmony Hildegarde, who went missing during a wedding in the woods 23 years ago and was thought to have been abducted by Bigfoot?”
“Yes. She ran away. She has a picture of Bigfoot! You know how some weddings have disposable cameras? Well, she had it and took pictures. There’s a whole colony of Bigfoot in the woods and they’re communicating with aliens. She has a photo of that too. She’s coming back with a message for humanity and I’m sending it to all my friends. Please take a look!”
The other man looked at his phone and his face hardened.
“Oh, seriously?”
“I know. It’s in green. I don’t know if I should answer.”
“Well, she’s clearly not one of us, Muffy. Block her and delete her.”
I didn’t really care if someone’s text was green, but I’m not a pathetic elitist cell phone addict. I’m a pretty happy elitist cell phone addict. Also, please note that I am not a lawyer. I’m just a guy married to a former attorney in the antitrust division of the Department of Justice.
For the record, I did not discuss this with her. Because if you tell her the facts, she’ll ruin it. Let’s all agree that no matter what color our bubble is, we should be kind to each other. Green, blue — let’s join hands and make fun of people whose text is gray.
What losers they are.
james.lileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • X on: @Lileks • facebook.com/james.lileks
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